Didn’t my mom used to listen to you on CBC radio? 

Yes, she did. In fact, we used to spend intimate afternoons together every day. And at night, while lying in bed with that snoring man you’ve always assumed to be your biological father, it was me she was thinking about; musing on all the clever, charming and witty things  I shared with her during the day, as she stared out the window, willing the darkness to end.

Aren’t you that guy from the Deadliest Warrior?

yes, I am.

Do you really have Samurai blood coursing through your veins?

My grandfather’s grandfather was Shigematsu Ryuken, the last Samurai of our clan, and the earliest ancestor of whom we are explicitly aware. He served his Lord Matsudaira in Shikoku at Imabari Castle as a Classical Confucian scholar, a hereditary occupation for many generations of the Shigematsu clan. The kanji for Shigematsu means strong pine. Our family crest is the myoga, two interlocking pinecones.

Back in the day, you would have seen our family crest embroidered on our kimonos, etched into the hilt of our katanas, and tattooed onto the foreheads of our lower caste slaves. Just kidding, we actually branded them.

Shigematsu Ryuken’s son, Tatsuichiro wed Haseba Yone. The kanji for Tetsuro means philosophical young man.

Now for all you Japanophiles, how excited are you?

Will you teach me to become a Samurai?

No, I won’t. We Samurai are like the Masons; ultra-secretive about our initiation rituals. I am willing to divulge this much though: mostly, it involves selecting your ancestors correctly. Which involves time travel.

You seem like a royal pain in the ass, why?

Japan’s Chrysanthemum Throne represents the world’s longest unbroken line of monarchs. The 50th imperial ruler was Emperor Kammu (737–806). Of the 32 children he fathered, his most favored son was Prince Iyo, later executed, but not before he became head of the Kono Clan, whose lineage of younger siblings included the Hitotsuyanagi Clan, of whom my great grandmother, Hasebe Yone is a direct descendant of this cadet line.

In other words, if I were a descendant of the British aristocracy, Diana’s son, Prince Harry would be my ancestor, but not Prince William. Get it?

Didn’t you give a TEDx lecture?

Funny you should ask, because I’ve got a link right here.

Have I seen you on stage?

if it was in Vancouver, maybe you have.

Am I your biggest fan?

No, this guy is.

I see you have your own Wikipedia article. Did you write it yourself?

Um, no. Writing your own article about yourself is just about impossible.

How did you become so freaking awesome, and how can I become a little more like you?

Sign up to my free newsletter and find out how.